i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
