just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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