last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize