I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
