is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
