K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
