He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I deserve this hangover.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
