i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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