before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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