I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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