The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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