I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
