i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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