how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
