i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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