I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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