some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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