i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
