Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
