you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
