the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
