allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
