sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
