Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize