I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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