Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
