Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
