Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
