Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
