I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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