haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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