Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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