I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
