Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
