So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You ruined the universe
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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