I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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