Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
