When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
