I love black thongs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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