Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Randomize
