Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
