sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize