I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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