mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
