he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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