oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
