I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
