Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
