I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize