Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
