the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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