What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
