I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
