Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
