you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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