Cold hands, warm shart.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
