onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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