Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
