I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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