I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
