Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
